The Outsider Within: The Expatriate Writer in Malaysia – Medwell Journals

Medwell Journals, a scientific research publishing company, has just published Jamaluddin Aziz and M.M. Raihanah’s article “The Outsider Within: The Expatriate Writer in Malaysia”, a psychological or Freudian analysis of Lovers and Strangers Revisited. 

This article or paper was originally titled “Masculinised (American) Eyes, Feminised (Malaysian) Dreams? A Psychoanalytic Study of Robert Raymer’s Collection of Short Stories in Lovers and Strangers Revisited” and presented at a short story conference in Lancaster, UK in 2006.  Later in Malaysia, it was posted on a USM website.

When I first blogged about this in Being Re-blogged, Psychoanalyzed, and Nominated two years ago, I stated that this was quite an honor for a writer based in Malaysia, writing about Malaysia with a Malaysian publisher, and even wondered if the short story conference presentation was a first for a collection of short stories written by a writer from or living in Malaysia.

In the blog, I wrote:  “If you’re a critic and you’re looking for symbols, phallic or otherwise, you’re going to find them. Whether they’re true symbols, consciously or subconsciously placed by the writer, or the critic groping at straws to support his preconceived theories is anyone’s guess . . . .Although I questioned some conclusions (is an umbrella used on a rainy day, as in “On Fridays”, a phallic symbol or merely an umbrella used on a rainy day? Or is a cockroach, like in “Symmetry”, remotely sexual?) I had an enjoyable banter with the critic, a former colleague at USM, who gamely responded to my queries and my own criticisms of his criticism."

I only saw the paper after it was presented, and for me, it was tough to get through.  It seemed rather personal, and I didn’t particularly like some of the conclusions being drawn.  Five years later, I still have qualms about it, yet I do feel honored that Jem took the trouble to analyze my work (he could’ve chosen someone else) and present it in the UK.  In the long run, what really matters is not the criticism, but the actual writing itself.  I hope.

I guess you can’t really call yourself a writer if someone doesn’t find fault with your writing somewhere. When you put your work out there, whether in book form, in literary journals, magazines, newspapers or blogs, you have to expect some criticism, or comments regarding your competency as a writer.  There’s not a famous, universally acclaimed, award-winning writer out there that hasn’t been trashed in a review or had his or her sanity (or sexuality) called into question, or his life’s work picked over by some vultureistic graduate student. 

It’s all part of the writing game like developing thick skin.  Remember, it's only one person’s opinion.  Think of your favorite singer or band, favorite movie or TV show, favorite and most-loved book of all time, and there’s going to be someone out there who absolutely hates it for a perfectly valid reason.

I do wish that this article, in the five years since it was written (though the journal may have held onto for a couple of years), had been updated by using the MPH (2008) version of Lovers and Strangers Revisited instead of Silverfish version (2005). Some of the examples cited had been edited out of the collection, and all the stories have been heavily revised, and that was three years ago.  In fact, I just revised them all again to prepare for the French translation. 

Still, it can be interesting (even amusing sometimes) to see how others view you.  As a writer, as an expatriate, you’re always going to attract attention and people will judge you, often through their own pre-conceived ideas.  For example, when an aunt from Sarawak came to Penang to visit my future wife (and to check me out for the family), we took her to a nice restaurant and I drank ice-tea. 

My aunt told everyone back in Sarawak that I drank beer, so when I made my first visit to Sarawak, everywhere I went they kept offering me beer and were puzzled when I declined.  I don’t drink beer.  We all had a good laugh over this, including the aunt, and she had been eating with us!  But instead of looking at the evidence (there’s ice and a lemon slice in my ice tea), in her mind, expats drink beer, therefore I drink beer.  I suspect that some of this was going on in this analysis of my short stories and by extrapolation, me.  It’s human nature.

But when it’s published in an academic journal and made available online and it pops up on a random Google search of my name, it’s out there…and those who don’t know me personally or have never read any of my work, this may well be their first impression of this writer.  First impressions, as we all know, are very hard to change...

So to help offset or balance this out, I’ll add a couple of links to other views of my collection, including the very same Silverfish version, which at the time I was very happy with and got a lot of good reviews including in The Star and cited in the Medwell piece). 

The fact that the book, including the original Lovers and Strangers (Heinemann 1993), has been published three times, won the 2009 Popular-The Star Reader’s Choice Award, been taught (as a collection and individual stories) in numerous universities and private colleges, high schools, and SPM literature, and it's getting translated into French, means it can’t be too bad.  The individual stories have also been published 81 times in 12 countries (15 of 17 stories set in Malaysia - so they must be fairly accurate).  

And an umbrella on a rainy day, in my opinion and as the author who wrote “On Fridays”,  it is still an umbrella. . . .Read the beginning of the story and you be the judge.  Of course, if some French graduate student or lecturer takes me to task on that umbrella issue, I won’t have a clue as to what they’re saying, and that may not be a bad thing.  I’d rather just focus on the writing.

*Update, the 20th anniversary of Lovers and Strangers Revisited

Here are links to some of my author-to-author interviews of first novelists:

Ivy Ngeow author of Cry of the Flying Rhino, winner of the 2016 Proverse Prize.

Golda Mowe author of Iban Dream and Iban Journey.

Preeta Samarasan author of Evening is the Whole Day. 

Chuah Guat Eng,  author of Echoes of Silence and Days of Change. 

Plus:

Five part Maugham and Me series

Beheaded on Road to Nationhood: Sarawak Reclaimed—Part I 

Malay Mail - Spirit of Malaysia- review 1 March 2011

It's always nice (and a relief) to get that first good review out of the way. 
The hardest part of this project was to cut the words down to their bare
minimum.  There was tons to be written, but the space requirements for the
text was severely limited. The publisher purposely wanted to maximize the
photos and minimize the text, except for the five-part introduction, by far
the hardest to write.  Again, because I had tons of material to work with!
It was a matter of organizing it and distilling it all down the the essentials. 
 I'm glad we did it this way. Love the cover, too!

*Here's a link to the table of contents and an e-book link to view some 
of the photos. 

Here are links to some of my author-to-author interviews of first novelists:

Ivy Ngeow author of Cry of the Flying Rhino, winner of the 2016 Proverse Prize.

Golda Mowe author of Iban Dream and Iban Journey.

Preeta Samarasan author of Evening is the Whole Day. 

Chuah Guat Eng,  author of Echoes of Silence and Days of Change. 

Plus:

Five part Maugham and Me series

Beheaded on Road to Nationhood: Sarawak Reclaimed—Part I

Two American Writers in Borneo

Ok, I admit when I first heard that there was another American writer in Kuching, I thought, well that’s going to be confusing!  “Hey, have you met that American in Borneo?  In Sarawak?  In Kuching? You know, the writer?  The one that just published a book?”  I’m sure he feels the same way about me.

Shortly after Tom McLaughlin contacted me via my website, I saw his book, Borneo Tom at the airport in Miri. I also checked out his website and read quite a few of his blog postings.  Right away, I liked what Tom did.  From the outset he made up his mind to bypass the typical agent/traditional publisher route that could drag out for years (and never have a book); instead he self-published his blog series about his life and adventures since moving to Borneo and crafted it into a rather nice book.   

First, he invested in setting up a professional website, hired an American publicist.  He found his own editor (before he knew me) and also an illustrator.  He knows success will take time, but he is laying down a good foundation.  More importantly, he got his book, full of fun illustrations, into the marketplace fast.  He is not only working with book distributors to get his books into bookstores throughout Malaysia and beyond, but also takes orders from his website and even offers free gifts as enticement.

  

After agreeing to meet, I suggested that we exchange books, which we did in October/November 2010 at his place by the river front.  Although at the time Tropical Affairs was my latest book, I thought he would appreciate Lovers and Strangers Revisited, since he had recently married.  I directed him to the story “Mat Salleh”.  

Then we met again when Han, a poet from KL, came to town in January 2011, hoping to meet some other writers, and again in February.  This is turning into a monthly affair.

Since Tom and I are approaching publishing from different angles (I’m publishing and writing mostly fiction and recently began earnestly seeking the services of an agent to bring my work, my novels into larger markets), we can learn from each other to see what works, what brings in the desired results.  The publishing industry has changed so much in the last two years, bringing more challenges to writers, but also more opportunities (e-books/e-publishing).  The more we discuss and keep abreast of these changes, particularly the opportunities that are now available to us (even though we’re based on the other side of the planet in Borneo of all places), the better we can position ourselves, our writing, our books, our marketing efforts.  More importantly, we can bolster our confidence and nudge one another to try new things and keep focused on our writing goals.

Although Borneo, in terms of the publishing world of USA/UK, is a bit off the map, other American writers do occasionally pass through the region.  For example last year, after a couple of near misses, I finally met with Paul Spencer Sochaczewski, author of The Sultan and the Mermaid  for my first author exchange of books with a fellow American in Borneo as a way of introduction, a tradition I wouldn’t mind keeping up.  In addition to publishing several other books, including a novel, Paul and Tom have two things in common, both are former Peace Corps volunteers in Sarawak and both have a passion for Alfred Russel Wallace. 

After reading what both have written of Wallace in their respective books, I’m now intrigued.  I had been meaning to read The Malay Archipelago when I first discovered it 25 years ago in the small bookstore that used to be just to the right of the entrance of The E & O Hotel in Penang before it was renovated.  I spent an awful lot of time in that bookstore (dreaming of my own books) and even mentioned it in my yet-to-be published novel The Expatriate’s Choice (several major chapters are set inside the hotel, including the climax.) 

The edition I finally bought last week wasn’t the Oxford University Press that I was seeking, but a Stanfords Travel Classics (Beaufoy Books), with an introduction by the Earl of Cranbrook, who I also, coincidentally, just missed in Kuching in 2009.  We had spoken twice on the phone but somehow the date of his flight got miss-communicated and conflicted with a night class that I was teaching.  Not long afterwards, I did finally get to see him, via the documentary The Airmen and the Headhunters, a fascinating account of the rescue mission of several American airmen shot down in Borneo during WWII. 

Americans (and no doubt American writers) have been coming to Borneo for years.  One of the first, Charles Lee Moses, even owned what is today Sabah, north of Sarawak.  In 1865, Moses, the United States Consul to Brunei, obtained a 10-year lease for the territory of North Borneo from the Sultan of Brunei.  However, the post-Civil War United States wanted nothing to do with Asian colonies, so Moses sold his rights to the Hong Kong-based American Trading Company of Borneo, who eventually sold it to the North Borneo Chartered Company.

So for now, Tom and I just happen to be two American authors based in Borneo, though I have a feeling there are a few others out there in other parts of Sarawak, Sabah, Brunei or the Indonesian side, Kalimantan.  I do know several American writers used to live here.  Some have contacted me.   If  you're an American writer passing through Kuching, bring a copy of your book along so we can exchange them.

             -Robert Raymer, Borneo Expat Writer

*Update, the 20th anniversary of Lovers and Strangers Revisited

Here are links to some of my author-to-author interviews of first novelists:

Ivy Ngeow author of Cry of the Flying Rhino, winner of the 2016 Proverse Prize.

Golda Mowe author of Iban Dream and Iban Journey.

Preeta Samarasan author of Evening is the Whole Day. 

Chuah Guat Eng,  author of Echoes of Silence and Days of Change. 

Plus:

Five part Maugham and Me series

Beheaded on Road to Nationhood: Sarawak Reclaimed—Part I

2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award - Round Two

 The Boy Who Shot Santa makes it into Round Two of 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award! So glad I took another quick look at it just before sending it in.  That look took three days--the culmination of two frantic months of going through the novel six times, including a couple of all-nighters, revising it over and over, and also that pitch!  The first round judging was based purely on those 300 words!

Ok, 1000 novels from around the world made it through to Round Two, but 80% or 4000 didn’t!  8,000 novels if you include both categories (general fiction and young adult fiction).  

Here’s the final version of my pitch that made it through:

The Boy Who Shot Santa

What if your son accidentally shoots his dad dressed up as Santa Claus?

          Rachel Layton finds her fragile marriage shattered when her eleven-year-old son kills a burglar who turns out to be his drunken father in a Santa Claus suit.  The shooting sets off a chain-reaction of events that threatens to tear apart a small Pennsylvania town.

Cast as a villain and labeled trailer trash by the media, Rachel is determined to hold her family together, even as her son gets beaten up at school, her teenage daughter moves in with a low life twice her age, and an old boyfriend comes and goes. Tired of being on the defensive and utilizing the voice of reason, Rachel speaks out against hunters giving under-aged kids access to guns.  Despite threatening phone calls and a brick through her window, Rachel refuses to back off until Gordon’s Gunshop, located smack on Main Street, is shut down.

          While shopping at the mall for Christmas, Rachel overlooks one important detail.  Santa Claus.  To her dismay, her son Eric, still struggling from post-traumatic stress disorder, gets into line behind the other kids.  Sensing trouble, parents drag their kids, some kicking and screaming, out of the line.  Soon the whole town, it seems, is watching as Eric confronts Santa Claus.

Still trying to come to terms with her deceased husband and while holding onto one last chance for happiness, Rachel is all too aware that someone in the crowd is stalking her.  One thing is certain:  Christmas in Sharpton will never be the same.

            The Boy Who Shot Santa (97,700 words) is a short-list finalist for the 2009 Faulkner-Wisdom novel contest (as A Season for Fools), and the first book of a potential three-book series

And this is what’s in store for those of us who have made it this far:

Second Round (Feb. 24th): The field will be narrowed to 250 entries in each category (500 total entries) by Amazon top customer reviewers from ratings of a 5000 word excerpt.

Quarterfinals (March 22^nd): Publishers Weekly reviewers will read the full manuscript of each quarterfinalist, and based on their review scores, the top 50 in each category (100 total entries) will move on to the semi-finals.

Semi-finals (April 26^th): Penguin USA editors will read the full manuscript and review all accompanying data for each semi-finalist and will then select three finalists in each category (six total finalists).

Finals (May 24^th): Amazon customers will vote on the three finalists in each category resulting in two grand prize winners

Grand prize winners will be announced (June 13th)

And what am I doing now? Just finished revising all of the short stories for Lovers and Strangers Revisited for the French translation and in the midst of revising the first 50 pages of The Boy Who Shot Santa for the James Jones Fellowship Contest, deadline March 1^st.  Love those deadlines.  Though I'm wishing I could include the changes I'm making into what's being judged for Round Two!  

Wish me luck, and good luck to all the others in the Amazon contest who have made it this far. 

*Update: The Resurrection of Jonathan Brady just made Round Two 2012, so far (I included the pitch.)

**Update: The Resurrection of Jonathan Brady just advanced to the Quarterfinals of the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award 2012!

*Here are six lessons I learned from joining Amazon competition.

Here are links to some of my author-to-author interviews of first novelists:

Ivy Ngeow author of Cry of the Flying Rhino, winner of the 2016 Proverse Prize.

Golda Mowe author of Iban Dream and Iban Journey.

Preeta Samarasan author of Evening is the Whole Day. 

Chuah Guat Eng,  author of Echoes of Silence and Days of Change. 

Plus:

Five part Maugham and Me series

Beheaded on Road to Nationhood: Sarawak Reclaimed—Part I

Lovers and Strangers Revisited—Another Revision, Another Look

“You’re revising it?  I thought you just send them the book?” a fellow American writer in Borneo replied, when I mentioned that I’ll be busy the next two weeks revising all the stories for Lovers and Strangers Revisited.   I had just told him that it was confirmed that Éditions GOPE will be translating the collection of Malaysian-set stories into French.

“Yeah, you could do that,” I could’ve replied, but instead, I told him that I saw this as an opportunity to improve the stories for future markets.  I want the best French translation out there and the best English version, too.  Now that I’m getting the book into Europe, other readers might recommend it to other publishers in other countries, especially those with an interest in Southeast Asia, and they might be interested into translating, too.

           

Plus there are plenty of English speaking countries, including the US, UK, and Australia, where the collection is not yet published, and I do hope to get this collection into those markets.  As I writer, I believe in giving myself a helping hand (even playing salesman).  If I can improve the stories by tweaking them some more, shouldn’t I do that?

           

I remember several people seemed to take offense in the comments when Sharon Bakar blogged about the Booktalk that I gave at MPH in 2008 (when the new MPH edition came out) after relating that I had been revising the stories since Lovers and Strangers (Heinemann 1993) to improve them in order to get them published overseas.  I also ripped them apart to make them better for Lovers and Strangers Revisited (Silverfish 2005), and revised them again for MPH, and this was even before their editors offered their own input.  One Australian author said she would never do that with her collection, but then she added that she sort of wished she had because she knows she could’ve improved them.  When the MPH version ended up winning an award, I felt justified, and now it has attracted a French translation.

           

For me, that first version back in 1993 was the best version—at the time.  But I grew as a writer, and after I began teaching creating writing (and a lot of grammar) and revising all of my students work I became a better writer.  Now it was merely a matter of applying what I was teaching, and being honest with myself.  Is that the best you can do?  Can’t you rephrase that better?  Do you really need that cliché!  That expression is rather trite or that metaphor doesn’t seem to be working.  Can you fix it?  How about that beginning or ending, can you make it more effective?  Do you really need all that back story?  Can you trim it?

           

For this latest revision process, I asked myself similar questions. The more questions you ask yourself, the more answers you find. I changed “The Watcher” from past tense to present tense as I had done a couple of stories in previous revisions, including "Neighbours", to make it more effective. I changed the ending to “Smooth Stones” after getting a lot of close calls on the story in the US.  They always cited the ending as being "predictable".

In “Home for Hari Raya”, I found myself changing the name Ida to Rina; it just didn’t feel right for a university student (always reminded me of someone I knew), and in “Transaction in Thai”, even though the story won’t be in the French version since it wasn’t set in Malaysia, but when The French editor mentioned that the name “Jek” was derogatory, I  found a website that lists Thai baby names and came up with Daw.

          

For each story, in addition to tightening the writing wherever I could, I went on a dash hunt (cutting two-thirds), a passive hunt (converting most into active), and cut out what can easily be implied.

           

Now I feel satisfied, and the revised versions may do better as I continue to sell them as individual stories to literary journals and on-line magazines.  More importantly, I feel more confident about the collection as I pitch them to agents and publishers.  The stories, judging by their track record, are good, and they’ve certainly come a long way since 1993 when they first got compiled into a published collection. (When blogging The Story Behind the Story series, I was making direct comparisons from the first published version, some dating back twenty years, up until the MPH version and I was taken aback by how much they've changed while still being essentially the same story; it's in the details.) Even now this is far from the end of their journey.  In fact, I have a rather strong feeling, as they finally break out of the Malaysia/Singapore market, that this is merely the beginning... 

*Update, the 20th anniversary of Lovers and Strangers Revisited

**Update: Book orders for Trois autres Malaisie.    E-book orders.  Or recommend it to your friends, especially those who would like to know more about Malaysia or have an interest in Southeast Asia.

  

Here's a link to the intro and excerpts, and to four reviews of Trois Autres Malaisie in eurasie.net, Malaisie.org, easyvoyage.com, and Petit Futé mag.

***Here’s an update to the French blog about Trois autres Malaisie and my meeting the French translator Jerome Bouchaud in Kuching, and my involvement in a French documentary for Arte (June 2017) on The Sensual Malaysia of Somerset Maugham.
 

Here are links to some of my author-to-author interviews of first novelists:

Ivy Ngeow author of Cry of the Flying Rhino, winner of the 2016 Proverse Prize.

Golda Mowe author of Iban Dream and Iban Journey.

Preeta Samarasan author of Evening is the Whole Day. 

Chuah Guat Eng,  author of Echoes of Silence and Days of Change. 

Plus:

Five part Maugham and Me series

Beheaded on Road to Nationhood: Sarawak Reclaimed—Part I

“Neighbours” Gets a Play Treatment

On 19 February, students from SMK (p) Sri Aman Petaling Jeya, some of whom I met (along with their teacher Christina Chan), at the Popular BookFest@Malaysia 2010 put on a play titled SHORTS (short for Short Stories), an adaptation of three stories from SPM literature, Roald Dahl's “Landlady”,  Anya Sitaram’s “Naukar” and  “Neighbours” from my collection of short stories Lovers and Strangers Revisited.

The number of neighbours gossiping was cut down to shorten the story and to make it more manageable. In their adaptation, they portrayed Mrs Koh as someone who is critical of everyone and everything except herself, someone who is self-centred.  Ruth Yee, who wonderfully portrayed Mrs. Koh (holding fan), used to live in Penang, where “Neighbours” is set, prior to moving to PJ.

The cast for Neighbours:                                       

• Ruth Yee as Mrs Koh
• Mandy Chan as Mr Koh
• Izzaty Wahab as Dr Nathan
• Helinna Abd Rahim as Ms Chee
• Nurul Shuhadah as Ramly

Although I was unable to attend, Christina Chan kept me abreast via Facebook, which was how we first met last September when one of her students contacted me over some questions regarding “Neighbours” that they were studying and we ended up meeting a few days later in KL.  According to Christina, "Mrs Koh was well-loved during our matinee show!”   Then the following day, after the evening performance she added, “For the record, Mrs. Koh is now one hot chick! Everyone loved her—the actress and the character.  We took some liberty at interpreting what she is like and how she would react to situations.  A success indeed.”

I was relieved to hear that it was a success.  Mrs. Koh’s reputation (i.e, Are You Mrs. Koh?)was riding on it.  This is not the first time that students have turned Mrs. Koh’s character into a play.  Students from another school in the KL area, also studying “Neighbours” took my ten minute play “Back From Heaven” and entered their performance into a school competition a couple of years back and did quite well.  I had adapted “Back From Heaven” from my play “One Drink Too Many” adapted from “Neighbours” whereby I turned a tragedy into a comedy.

"One Drink Too Many" has been play read twice by Penang Players and had some interest in both Penang and Kuching.  Maybe someday it will finally get produced, or maybe even the short story, "The Merdeka Miracle" that I wrote with Lydia Teh and Tunku Halim for Malaysia Airlines.  The story has a nice “1Malaysia” theme plus a Merdeka tie-in.  It would also make a good story for SPM Literature.  Unfortunately, there is no Mrs. Koh character in that story! But Mrs. Koh will soon be speaking French!

Congrats to the cast and crew of SHORTS!  It was an honor for me to have my short story "Neighbours" adapted.  Well done!  And good luck on your SPM exams!  And when you graduate and make your mark on the world, please don't become a Mrs. Koh!

Speaking of exams, here's a rather involved e-course assignment for "Neighbours".  Not for the fainthearted! 

*Ohio University is adapting another story from Lovers and Strangers Revisited, "Home for Hari Raya" into screenplay and film!

*Update, the 20th anniversary of Lovers and Strangers Revisited

Here are links to some of my author-to-author interviews of first novelists:

Ivy Ngeow author of Cry of the Flying Rhino, winner of the 2016 Proverse Prize.

Golda Mowe author of Iban Dream and Iban Journey.

Preeta Samarasan author of Evening is the Whole Day. 

Chuah Guat Eng,  author of Echoes of Silence and Days of Change. 

Plus:

Five part Maugham and Me series

Beheaded on Road to Nationhood: Sarawak Reclaimed—Part I

Two Sides to Every Story: An Encounter with a Spirit – Part II - The Shadow Spirit

This is a continuation of an encounter with a spirit  that my mother-in-law is convinced that she had that I wrote about yesterday.  She has not fully recovered and seems to be getting worse, a concern for the family who are now looking to find someone to care of her during the day until she recovers.  

The incident, whether a spirit was involved or not, reminded me of my own encounter with a spirit that took place at my mother-in-law’s house about 14 years ago, during my first visit to Quop, which I recorded  in my journal the following mornings and then wrote about ten years later for a non-fiction writing workshop that I was presenting, a significant personal experience, for illustration purposes.

THE SHADOW SPIRIT

by

Robert Raymer

            While visiting Benuk, a mostly abandoned Bidayuh longhouse in Sarawak, on the island of Borneo, where some of my fiancé’s relatives used to live, my fiancé and I were about to enter the head house, a ceremonial room where we could see suspended from the ceiling a fishing net containing more than a dozen human heads.

            My mother-in law tried to convince us not to go inside.  She didn’t want us to disturb the spirits.  Even though she was a Christian, she like many Bidayuhs, still practiced animism.  She believed that spirits haunted everything—caves, rivers, large boulders, and, particu­lar­ly, the nearby jungle.  We shrugged off her concerns and went inside.  The room felt eerie though, and knowing that the heads were dangling above us from the rafters didn’t exactly help.  Still, I took a photograph of the heads.

            Later that evening, I went to sleep using the single bed that had been set up for me in what used to be the living room, upstairs.  Downstairs, a room had recently been added in front of the house, which was the new living room.  A wire had been strung across the room upstairs and a blanket hung over it to give me a semblance of privacy.   My fiancé, who opted to sleep with her sisters in her former bedroom, kissed me goodnight.  The blanket, having been taken out of storage, smelled strongly of mothballs.  At times I felt like I was suffocating.  It was fitful trying to sleep because of the smell, the mosquitoes biting me, and the strange noises outside that sounded what I assumed were frogs croaking. 

Around midnight, still half awake, I saw a shadow presence come in by way of a locked door that led out to a small balcony.  The shadow, the size of a large animal, floated toward me.  As it hovered over me, I could feel my body arching, trying to resist it, yet I felt powerless, as if a force were holding me down, pinning my shoulders to the bed.  As the shadow spirit entered through my chest, I screamed – the loudest, blood-curdling scream that I could muster.  But nothing came out of my mouth.

            The following morning I told my fiancé what had hap­­­pen­ed.  I wanted her to know in case anything happened to me; in case I started to act weird or “possessed”.  I wanted her to monitor my actions, keep a close eye on me, and if I started to act strangely, to get help.  At the same time, I hoped the spirit hadn’t stayed inside me.  That it merely visited me and left.

             “Don’t tell my mother,” she urged me, a concerned look on her face, worried what her mother would say.  We both knew she would blame it on our visit to the head house.

            My fiancé then admitted that she had heard similar accounts of the shadow spirit before from some of her Bidayuh friends in the village, right down to the suppressed scream.  So had her uncle who lived next door.

My fiancé also told me that no one had ever slept in that room before.  She asked me if I wanted to sleep elsewhere, but there was nowhere else I could sleep without incon­veniencing someone else, so I opted to stay where I was.  That night, before I went to bed, she retrieved a cross made from palm leaves that had been saved from Palm Sunday and put it inside my pillowcase.  She then suggested that I sleep with my head away from the balcony door and that I pray before going to sleep.  I agreed, though I felt silly saying a bedtime prayer, which I hadn’t done since I was a child repeating my nightly, “Now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep . . .”

            Now I prayed for my son from a previous marriage; my fiancé and her family; my father and stepmother; my mother and brothers and their families; and for my own safety from any harm­ful spirits.  I tried to go to sleep, but then I heard some­­­­thing, or someone, rattling the handle at the balcony door.  There was no way to reach that door from the ground.  When I heard it a second time, I thought, what the hell is trying to get in!

I stared at the door, willing the shadow spirit to go away, afraid that if it entered my body a second time it would stay.  I prayed, feverishly, over and over.  The sound even­tually stopped; exhausted, I ­fell asleep.

The following morning, I remembered the photograph that I had taken of the suspended heads and vowed to destroy it.  At the same time, I tried to imagine the Bidayuh warriors carrying the dripping-with-blood heads back to their longhouse after doing battle, and also the massacre that took place in Quop in the early 1840’s at the hands of the Saribas and Skrang Ibans.   I dreaded to think what might have happened to me had I not followed my fiancé’s instructions that night in Sarawak.  Nor will I ever forget the shadow spirit that had entered my body and, thankfully, left.

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